Weird Sadness

I am going away for a few days, purely selfishly.  I am struggling leaving my kids.  I have left them before, but never for too long.   I think I get little crushes on them, which makes it harder for me to leave them.  I think I am in that phase right now. Marko will be home with them, so I know they will be in capable hands, just not MY hands.  

I have some anxiety about going.  I know I will have a blast and probably exactly what I need right now.  I feel a little in a rut.  I have been working at the kids' preschool a lot lately, so I have not had much of break from them - AT ALL.  

I love my kids so much, the thought of not being there when they wake up makes me sad.  I had to work EARLY this morning, and was gone before the kids got up.  London told me he sat on the couch and waited for me to get home.  Ahhh, little peach.  

I don't know HOW mom's can leave their kids at day care all day.  I am not saying it's a bad thing, but I am say I could never do it.  I am not even ready for London to go to kindergarten.  Gone all day!  :(

Now I don't want people getting mad at me about the day care thing.  I know for most people it's a necessity.  I totally get it.  I am just saying I couldn't do it.  

I realize that Moms need to get away from their children in order to have space and reflection.  I am hoping I have the strength to go when it's time.  I am hyping it up to people, mainly to get myself hyped.  

Sad....

Butch and Brenden RIP

I just found out today that a guy I dated - and got expelled with - died of an overdose.  They found him on the floor of a bathroom stall OD.  I had heard he was pretty messed up and he must be close to 40.  So I have to wonder if, without any support, he could really kick a habit like heroin.  I have known people addicted to heroin, well I should say 2 people.  They are both dead - either self inflicted gunshot wound to the head or shot up and crashed his car driving to LA.  Those guys had support and money and they still couldn't kick this horrible addiction.  

As I remember Butch in high school, his family life wasn't too good.  I mean as teenagers, whose life at home was incredible.  But Butch's seemed a little worse than most.  I am guessing this is what lead to him living his life on the streets and eventually dying in a bathroom stall.  I have an image in my head of my old boyfriend, still young, lying on the floor with a needle in his arm.  This image will not leave my head.  I feel so bad for him.  So bad for him.  

Then I find out a good friend from high school also OD'd 7 years ago.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  Excuse my language, but FUCK!  Brenden was a good guy.  I really liked him in high school.  We were in the same crowd.  We partied together, and had a bunch of classes together.  He was pretty smart.  I can't even image that he would do anything other than pot, and I'm sure he didn't OD on that.  

I am so sad.  These guys didn't have to live like this.  They didn't have to DIE like this.  I am confused.  Where were their parents?  Where were their girlfriends?  

I am sad today.