Genes, the good the bad and the ugly...

As I recall my childhood - the part where my real father was alive - I remember yelling, laughter, enjoyable parties, etc. I have been trying to instill all the good parts of my childhood onto my children. Having people around that are good, positive influences - people they will remember for the rest of their lives. I try to introduce them to new things as often as possible. I want to reward them with ice cream, and delicious goodies -because I have good children. Really good children, as I've witnessed some bad ones.

But WHY oh WHY do those bad genes sneak in no matter how hard to try to leave them with your parents. I am finding myself yelling a lot. Both my parents have/had the WORST tempers. I guess I'm doomed given the last sentence. I try to reason with my children without losing my temper, but I feel like they just blow me off and don't pay attention. Oh, it gets my blood boiling. I remember my dad saying he was about to blow and now 30+years later - I totally get it.
I am trying to be conscientious and not yell as much. But with Marko being gone as much as he has been lately, I think I have reached my mom-temper limit.
Being a stay at home Mom is amazing. But ...having no break in a long, very long, day is difficult - for anyone. If your favorite job in the world was being an ice cream taster at Baskin-Robbins, you would still need some sort of break from ice cream, right? As wonderful and delicious as it is, you can't do it all day every day. That's how I am starting to feel, and I don't want to feel like that. Is it the summer? Is it doing it all by myself day in and day out? I am fortunate to have Marko home a LOT but nonetheless, when he's gone he's GONE.
With all the technology today, I would like to do some gene-modification. Remove all the bad ones, the ones that can scar a child for life, and replace them with the ability to try new things and have a positive outlook on life. Is that too much to ask?

A new day

It's Monday and I am ready for a new week. June is going to be a crazy month and I'm so excited.  We are doing a family trip, I'm going to see an old friend, and hopefully a really old friend.  I just want to get this started.  

I am so sorry that preschool is almost over, for many different reasons.  I don't want to deal with summer.  It's so hot here and I can't even deal!  Second, I don't want to have a school without Miss Pat :(  Lastly, I am one step closer to having a child in kindergarten.  Sad, and not even ready.  

I will be demo'ing this week at Whole Foods.  Looking forward to it.

Weird Sadness

I am going away for a few days, purely selfishly.  I am struggling leaving my kids.  I have left them before, but never for too long.   I think I get little crushes on them, which makes it harder for me to leave them.  I think I am in that phase right now. Marko will be home with them, so I know they will be in capable hands, just not MY hands.  

I have some anxiety about going.  I know I will have a blast and probably exactly what I need right now.  I feel a little in a rut.  I have been working at the kids' preschool a lot lately, so I have not had much of break from them - AT ALL.  

I love my kids so much, the thought of not being there when they wake up makes me sad.  I had to work EARLY this morning, and was gone before the kids got up.  London told me he sat on the couch and waited for me to get home.  Ahhh, little peach.  

I don't know HOW mom's can leave their kids at day care all day.  I am not saying it's a bad thing, but I am say I could never do it.  I am not even ready for London to go to kindergarten.  Gone all day!  :(

Now I don't want people getting mad at me about the day care thing.  I know for most people it's a necessity.  I totally get it.  I am just saying I couldn't do it.  

I realize that Moms need to get away from their children in order to have space and reflection.  I am hoping I have the strength to go when it's time.  I am hyping it up to people, mainly to get myself hyped.  

Sad....

Butch and Brenden RIP

I just found out today that a guy I dated - and got expelled with - died of an overdose.  They found him on the floor of a bathroom stall OD.  I had heard he was pretty messed up and he must be close to 40.  So I have to wonder if, without any support, he could really kick a habit like heroin.  I have known people addicted to heroin, well I should say 2 people.  They are both dead - either self inflicted gunshot wound to the head or shot up and crashed his car driving to LA.  Those guys had support and money and they still couldn't kick this horrible addiction.  

As I remember Butch in high school, his family life wasn't too good.  I mean as teenagers, whose life at home was incredible.  But Butch's seemed a little worse than most.  I am guessing this is what lead to him living his life on the streets and eventually dying in a bathroom stall.  I have an image in my head of my old boyfriend, still young, lying on the floor with a needle in his arm.  This image will not leave my head.  I feel so bad for him.  So bad for him.  

Then I find out a good friend from high school also OD'd 7 years ago.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  Excuse my language, but FUCK!  Brenden was a good guy.  I really liked him in high school.  We were in the same crowd.  We partied together, and had a bunch of classes together.  He was pretty smart.  I can't even image that he would do anything other than pot, and I'm sure he didn't OD on that.  

I am so sad.  These guys didn't have to live like this.  They didn't have to DIE like this.  I am confused.  Where were their parents?  Where were their girlfriends?  

I am sad today.

Losing Weight

I have decided to start blogging about losing weight.  By far the worst thing to have to do.  I would love to be fit and just maintain.  But thanks to Sprinkles cupcakes, candy, pasta and children, I am in the "losing weight" segment of my life.  I certainly wish I could be like Heidi Klum, and have a trainer that works my ass out and doesn't let me give up.  I would also love to have a personal chef that cooks me that amazing meal that has just the right about of carbs, protein, and fat.  Ahh, if only.  But alas, I am left with just me - personal trainer, and personal chef to a house of 4.  I am ok with it.  

I have been trying to push myself at the gym.  I run a little more each day.  Do half treadmill half eliptic  machine.  I have been doing weights after 15 minutes on the treadmill and then returning to my cardio after that.  It's not easy.  There are about 100 things I would rather do than work out.  Please don't get me wrong, I love it AFTER it's over.  But walking into the gym I have to psych myself out.  I can do it I can do it -type of mantra.  Plus it helps having some jammin tunes on my iPod.  Currently listening to, what else, but the new Depeche Mode record.  I love it - but that's another blog.

So when I started working out a couple of months ago, I was gasp, 145 lbs.  I know, I have never been that high in my life (sans babies in my belly).  Today as I weighed myself, I was 138.  I am ok with that.  But ultimately I want to be at 125lbs.  I know I can do.  I just have to be consistent.  I will do it.  

I will keep blogging my results :)

It's hard being a Mom

Today was London's 4 year old check up.  I had warned him that he would probably be getting shots.  He was not too excited about that part.  When I checked us in I realized that not only would he be getting shots but 4 of them to be exact.  If you know London at all, you know he's a tough cookie.  He got a shot and 3 staples in his head and he didn't even flinch.  He's a toughie!  But today was a different day.  He knew these shots were coming and he's now more aware of things.  When the nurse came in to give him the shots, he freaked out.  I had to confine his legs locked in mine.  Then I had to hold his arm so tight.  Then the screaming came.  It was awful.  I know that vaccines are a necessary evil, but it's so hard to watch your child in pain.  I know that shots aren't much, but to kids they are the worst - considering nothing really bad ever happens to them.  

Not a fun day to be a Mom.  I thought perhaps I was doing the wrong thing.  4 shots in one day - that seems excessive.  

I love London so much.  I am so glad he won't have another vaccine for 7 years!!!!

Last night . . .

So I was writing my first blog last night.  I was so into it.  Marko and I were busy talking politics and having very insightful conversations.  During our talk, my ring finger started to swell. I took off my ring and it seemed to be better.  

Later, while typing my blog, I noticed it was getting harder to bend my finger.   So I ran and got some olive oil and tried to pry my ring off.  No luck.  Now, let me also explain that I am claustrophobic.  So not being able to get my ring off was giving me serious anxiety.  

I went in to show Marko my alien finger and he tried to get it off.  No luck.  I called my parents and they told me to elevate my hand to get the swelling down.  Half an hour later, my finger was throbbing and it was getting worse.  I called the 24 hour nurse and she told me to head straight for the ER.  It's 12:30 at night!  

I get the ER and they try to use string to get the swelling down and slide the ring off, but it was too late.  The swelling had gotten so bad, it was time to cut off my rings.  Needless to say, I am destroyed.  The doctor told me if I had waited any longer I could have had nerve damage and potentially couldn't wear rings at all.  

I am coming up on my 5 year anniversary and I will be putting my rings back together as soon as possible.    

All in all, last night was very interesting . . . 

Thanks for reading.....